Miss Fat Booty
by SoldierG65434-2
Summary: -AU-Yoruichi's friends decided to hook her up at the local club while Soifon prowls with a singular purpose.


**DISCLAIMER:** The rights to all copyrighted material mention henceforth in this document are owned by their respective owners.

This was a request from CaptainYoruichi of the YoruSoi FC on BleachAsylum.

The title comes from the Mos Def song "Miss Fat Booty" from the album "Black on Both Sides." Give it a listen. It fits the fic pretty well.

I had to fudge the details with the military backgrounds. It's all to tell a better story.

* * *

_This is what videogames should be_, Kukaku thought as she manipulated the analog sticks to aim her cross hairs onto another player. _None of that quests and magic bullshit, I just wasn't to shoot people in the face._

Kukaku was so absorbed in her game that she didn't notice the knocking at the door until it became an obnoxious pounding. Scowling, Kukaku got up and traversed the small two bedroom apartment that she currently lived in. Opening the main door, she was greeted by the smiling face of Kiuske Urahara, wearing his signature green army jacket and bucket hat.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Kukaku greeted the man gruffly.

"Now is that anyway to greet someone? And a good friend, no less!" Urahara pouted.

"It is whenever they show up at your house unannounced." Kukaku replied coarsely.

"Just the delicate flower you always were." Urahara commented. "Actually, I'm not unannounced. Yoruichi invited me over. Said she wanted to talk about something." Scowling, Kukaku nodded for the man to come in. Without offering him a seat, Kukaku walked over to Yoruichi's bed room door.

"Yoruichi!" Kukaku called though the wooden threshold. There was no answer. "Must be in the bathroom or something." Kukaku returned to the coach and her game. Not knowing what to do, Urahara sat down on the couch next to her.

"Oh! I haven't played that yet!" Urahara exclaimed excitedly. "Do you mind if I…"

"Yes, I do mind." Kukaku cut him off, not breaking her gaze on the television. A few moments later, more knocking was heard at the door.

"YORUICHI!" Kukaku shouted. "GET THE GODDAMN DOOR!" There was no response. "Oh, for fuck's sake." Kukaku grumbled, throwing her controller down. Getting up, Kukaku literally stomped to the front door. On the other side stood Jushiro Ukitake and Shunsui Kyoraku. "Now, what that fuck are you two here for?"

"A lovely young lady called and I just could say no." Kyoraku answered.

"Yoruichi called us and asked us if we could come over." Ukitake replied. Begrudgingly, Kukaku let them in.

"Is that bitch throwing some kind of party or some…" Kukaku was interrupted by another knock at the door. Angrily, she threw the front door open only to be greeted by the warm smile of Retsu Unohana. "Let me guess," Kukaku frowned, "Yoruichi called you."

"Yes, that is correct." Unohana nodded, smiling.

"Come in a take a seat, if you can find one." Kukaku moved out of the door frame. Not even Kukaku could find it in her to act belligerently towards Unohana.

"Looks like the gangs all here." Kyoraku said after Unohana entered.

"I wonder what's so important that…" Urahara started.

"Let's find out." Kukaku finished for him. Scowling, Kukaku marched up to Yoruichi's door and began to pound on it with both her fits.

"YORUICHI! GET YOUR FUCKING ASS OUT HERE RIGHT NOW!" Kukaku yelled at the top of her lungs. After a few still moments, Kukaku heard the lock on Yoruichi's door unlatch.

"Manners you be a good thing for you to learn in the future." Yoruichi said as she exited her room.

"You call a bunch of people over here without telling me and you give me shit about my manners?" Kukaku growled as she removed a beer from the refrigerator and opened it, taking a few sips.

"Could you get me one while you're there?" Urahara called to Kukaku.

"Get it yourself." Kukaku snapped back.

"She's only mean when she's sober." Yoruichi smiled sarcastically to the group assembled before her. Without any grace, Kukaku fell back onto the couch.

"So, what's so damn important that you felt the need to cram us all into this tiny-ass apartment like sardines?" Kukaku grumbled. Yoruichi's entire circle of close friends was currently present.

"Thanks for coming over on such short notice, guys." Yoruichi stood in front of her sitting friends. "I have something…kind of important to tell you all."

"I know what you're going to say and I'll take full responsibility for you and the baby." Kyoraku stood up and wrapped his arm around Yoruichi. "Will get married at once and buy a house. Then we can decide on names. If it's a girl, I've always been fond of Lisa…"

"Shut up," Yoruichi pushed Kyoraku away, smirking a little at the man's flamboyant antics. "Actually, it's kind of the opposite of that."

"Well, out with it." Kukaku said after she took a large gulp of her beer. "We don't have all day."

"Yes, Kukaku's game isn't going to play itself." Urahara teased. Kukaku promptly punched him the arms hard enough that everyone heard the impact. "That was uncalled for." Urahara sulked, rubbing his arm.

"Well, you see…" Yoruichi shifted where she stood with uncharacteristic awkwardness. "I'm…" She rubbed the back of her head. "I'm gay."

"You know, I always suspected…" Urahara rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

"Lying is never a good thing. I'm glad that you are being honest with yourself." Unohana smiled warmly.

"You're breaking my heart, Yoruichi!" Kyoraku clutched his chest dramatically.

"I agree with Retsu. It's good that you came out to us." Ukitake smiled. Suddenly, all heads turned to Kukaku as she spat out the beer in her mouth in a dramatic spray.

"You're what!" Kukaku asked incredulously.

"I'm gay." Yoruichi repeated with more confidence.

"I had heard stories of you being a cold fish in bed," Kyoraku commented. "It all makes sense now. I always knew that you would be a hellcat in the sack. You've just never been with the person."

"Wow, wow, wow." Kukaku held up her hands in the motion to stop. "You mean that all this time, I've been sharing my apartment with a woman that wants to fuck me?" Kukaku shivered in disgust.

"Don't flatter yourself." Yoruichi put her hands on her hips. "Just because I'm gay doesn't mean that I want to sleep with every single woman I see." Yoruichi frowned. She knew that Kukaku was the only person she had to worry about. "Besides, you are nowhere near my type."

"I don't care." Kukaku crossed her arms. "I'm locking the door when I shower, and when I change, and when I sleep…"

"Come on, Kukaku." Ukitake chided. "You've been friends with Yoruichi since before high school. You were roommates in college and it was your idea to split the rent with her on this apartment. Just because she chose to come out to us today doesn't mean she just turned gay all of the sudden. She's probably been a lesbian this whole time. She just came to terms with her sexuality. Are you telling me that two words can completely change the way you think about someone?"

Kukaku seemingly didn't know what to say to this. She simply crossed her arms childishly and mumbled something under her breath.

"So, what now?" Yoruichi spoke, glad someone finally called Kukaku out on her homophobia. "I knew that I was supposed to come out, but what do I do after that?"

"Well, there's only one thing to do at a time like this." Urahara stood up. "We go to the club and hook you up with the hottest lesbian at the place!"

"I like the way you think." Kyoraku replied. "We can all go! Make an event out of it."

"Sorry, but you can count me out." Ukitake said sadly.

"Why?" Kyoraku frowned.

"I have tuberculosis! I can't go to the club." Ukitake replied.

"But we need a driver!" Urahara sounded panicked. "Who's going to drive us if you're not there? Kukaku? Ten minutes at a bar and she can barley spell her own name! Ow!" Kukaku punched Urahara in a kidney.

"What makes you think I'm going?" Kukaku growled.

"There'll be alcohol." Urahara shrugged.

"If you all need a designated driver, I would be happy to oblige." Unohana offered.

"Well then, that settles it." Urahara walked over to Yoruichi and threw an arm around her. "This Saturday, we get Yoruichi some pussy!"

* * *

There were certain advantages to being as large a man as Kenpachi Zaraki. There was no such thing as a crowded sidewalk when you cut as an imposing figure as he did.

Grumbling something about anti-smoking laws, Kenpachi removed a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and placed one in his mouth, lighting it. A small Chinese woman next to him coughed as the smoke wafted into her face.

"Would you at least stand down wind?" Soifon coughed as she waved the smoke away from her face.

"I'll stand down wind when you take those damn rings out of your hair." Kenpachi snapped back. "Clangin' around every step…Doesn't that noise ever bother you?"

"Doesn't the cancer eating away at your lungs ever bother you?" Soifon retorted.

"I vowed that I would die doing something I loved." Kenpachi said after another drag. "Since I'll probably never see any action on the front lines, smoking will have to do."

"You know, most soldiers like the times when they're not getting shot at the most." Soifon replied.

"That's easy for you to say." Kenpachi snarled. "The closest I ever got to any real action was when that IED went off next the convoy I was in. At least you got to shoot your guns." Kenpachi pointed to his right eye.

Kenpachi was Sergeant in the 11th Heavy Infantry Division of the Japanese Self-Defense Force. When the United States called upon a "Coalition of the Willing" to aid them in their War on Terrorism in the Middle East, Kenpachi volunteered his Division to represent Japan, hoping that he would get to see combat.

Unfortunately, due to treaties dating back to the end of the Second World War, the Japanese military severs as strictly Defensive role, so Kenpachi and his men were only completing humanitarian tasks, such as handing out food and water to refuges.

Kenpachi was awarded a medal for losing his eye after an improvised explosive device went off next to his convoy. The medal was sitting at the bottom of a drawer in his apartment, but he wore his eye patch and the other various scares on his face with pride.

"If you're so eager to kill, why don't you just join a PMC?" Soifon asked.

"I've applied to hundreds of 'em, but they all turn me down." Kenpachi lamented. "Sent me letters back saying I ain't got no real combat experience." Kenpachi threw his cigarette but on the ground and lit up another, returning the disapproving glances from passersby's with equal disdain. "Why don't you? I'm sure you would have no problem getting hired by one, and they'd pay you more than those commies ever could."

"Unlike you, I didn't join the military for the money or to kill people." Soifon said condescendingly. "I joined to defend my country."

"Don't give me that shit." Kenpachi laughed. "Look at you, in your cargo pants with your dog tags around your neck. You're even still wearing your boots! You love what you do and you look it, too."

"The fact that I actually enjoy my occupation is just a happy coincidence." Soifon smiled.

Soifon was currently a Captain in the People's Liberation Army Special Forces. As with Kenpachi, she was deployed to the Middle East to show China's support to its biggest trading partner. Unlike Kenpachi, she actually saw some action while training Iraqi police forces.

Soifon's and Kenpachi's paths crossed in a rural province of Iraq. A friendship quickly grew out of their mutual interests; war, weapons, and women.

While Soifon's rank afforded her a sizable paycheck, she chose to spend her off duty time overseas in Japan. While no longer a crime in Communist China, homosexuality was still grounds for dismissal from the Military. So she decided to go overseas to Japan, whose sexual attitudes were far more liberal, to indulge. While in Japan, she stayed with Kenpachi. He was an interesting housemate, to say the very least.

Kenpachi stopped walking once he noticed that the woman next to him was no longer there. Turning around, she spotted Soifon staring at a large building that took up a quarter of the city block it was on.

"This the place?" Kenpachi asked.

"Indeed." Soifon nodded.

"I still don't get why we couldn't do what we normally do." Kenpachi bemoaned.

"The people you meet in establishments such as dance clubs are very different from those in dingy bars and the underground fighting circuit." Soifon replied. "A change of pace is good every once in a while."

"When's this place open?" Kenpachi asked, still skeptical.

"Well," Soifon walked up to the front door to look at the schedule. "It's Saturday, so they open at nine and close at two." Soifon turned to Kenpachi. "Let's get back here at around eight-thirty. I can't imagine that a lot of people show up at opening, so it should be easy for us to get in."

"Whatever," Kenpachi mumbled. "Let's go get something to eat, I'm starving."

* * *

Unohana pulled her four door sedan into one of the few remaining parking spots at Kyoto's hottest night club. The doors opened and Kyoraku, Urahara, Kukaku, Unohana, and Yoruichi all filed out. They were all grateful for the opportunity to stretch their legs after the cramped trip. Kukaku started for the club and the rest followed.

"Hey! Wait up guys!" Yoruichi called out as she hobbled awkwardly towards the group. "I can't walk that fast in these!" Yoruichi pointed to the spike heal leather boots she was wearing.

"It's your own fault for dressing like a goddamn whore." Kukaku replied unsympathetically.

"I'm here to get laid, not advance women's rights." Yoruichi retorted once she caught up. The group arrived at the front entrance and Unohana confidently lead them to the front of the long line.

"Tickets," The Bouncer in front of the door grumbled as he eyed the group. Kyoraku was wearing a large button up women's blouse with a floral pattern over his regular clothes; Urahara was wearing his usual army jacket and bucket hat. Unohana had on simple blouse and slacks, along with her hair braided down the front; Kukaku had on a blazing red tank top with white trim and a wind like symbol in on the midriff; and Yoruichi was wearing a mini skirt with a top that consisted of nothing more than a piece of black fabric that was dapped over the front of her and tied behind her back with a narrow string.

"Here you are sir," Unohana removed the computer print out from her purse. You could buy tickets to get in to the club online in advance, though they were significantly more expensive. The Bouncer took the sheets of paper form the woman and nodded at them to enter. Ignoring the groans and threats from the irritable crowed behind them, the group entered the establishment, but Unohana stayed behind.

"Excuse me, sir," Unohana tapped the Bouncer on the shoulder. The large man glared at her irritable, but Unohana was unphased. "I'm tonight's designated driver, and I would like the wristband that signifies it." Grumbling, the Bouncer produced a small rubber wristband from his pocket. Unohana took it and slipped it over her wrist. "Thank you," Unohana smiled warmly and bowed.

Inside, the music was already blaring and the interior was starting to become crowded. It was only nine o'clock, but seating was already sparse.

"So!" Yoruichi shouted over the music. "What should I do?"

"What do you mean?" Kyoraku shouted back.

"Well, I know how to get guys, that's easy, but how do I get a girl?" Yoruichi asked.

"Ha! I knew women didn't even get women?" Urahara laughed triumphantly.

"Well, what I always do is position myself in a very visible area and let the women come to me!" Kyoraku replied to Yoruichi. "They see you all alone and they can't help but want to keep you company!"

"That sounds like a good way to start!" Yoruichi nodded.

* * *

Soifon sat at the bar of the club next to Kenpachi. They two of them had been there for the better part of an hour, and Kenpachi was starting to get irritable.

"The food is shit, the music is too loud, and the drinks are piss weak." Kenpachi growled to Soifon.

"Calm down," Soifon replied after a sip of her drink. It was mostly soda, but it did have a splash of alcohol. She liked to stay lucid. "More people are starting to show up. Why don't you start looking for your victim so we can get out of here sooner?"

Soifon and Kenpachi had a system for endeavors such as theses. Generally, Kenpachi was the most masculine thing in any given room. Naturally, the women were drawn to him and his "bad boy" image, though the unfortunate moths didn't realized that underneath the "bad boy" was a sociopath.

The fact that the heterosexual women all seemed to gravitate towards Kenpachi made Soifon's job exponentially easier. The farther away a woman was from Kenpachi, the higher the chances of Soifon scoring with her.

Almost as soon as Kenpachi's seat was open, it was taken by someone else. Soifon cocked an eyebrow in disbelief at the way the woman had her hair styled. It was braided down the front.

"An orange soda, please." The woman asked the bartender politely, showing her wristband. Leaving the woman to her beverage, Soifon began her search.

Looking around her, she scanned the crowds for Kenpachi. He was difficult to miss, given his massive frame and spiked hair. She spotted him on the other end of the dance floor. Naturally, she started to move away from him.

Just as she anticipated, the farther away she got from Kenpachi, the fewer women there were. It made Soifon worry for the other members of her gender.

As she neared the outskirts of the club, the inhabitants dwindled to tables of men sitting around and drinking while they ogled women on the dance floor. Soifon was about to turn around when she spotted her.

She was standing near one of the entrances to one of the other sections of the club, talking to a group of men. She was holding a drink one of her hands while she gently bobbed and swayed to the beat of the music. Her movements made her skimpy top sway back and forth, baring her flat, dark midriff.

Soifon carefully assessed the situation. Experience told her that she had a chance with this one, but the fact that she was standing next to a group of men complicated things. One of them could be her boyfriend. On the other hand, she wasn't standing particularly close to any of them.

Deciding to press her luck, Soifon approached. Pretending not to pay attention, Soifon walked in her general direction. Catching her out of the corner of her eye, Soifon rapidly changed course and bumped into her, knocking her drink out of her hand.

"Oh no!" The dark skinned woman lamented in an obviously tipsy manner that was punctuated by a giggle. Luckily, the liquid didn't spill on anybody.

"My apologies," Soifon turned to the woman. It's an odd moment when two people are looking at each other, but neither are interested in the other's eyes.

_This girl is amazing_, Soifon thought to herself. _There's no way I could be this lucky._

"Let me buy you another." Soifon offered, crossing her fingers. The woman turned to the two men. One, in a hat, nodded emphatically while the other, who was oddly wearing a women's shirt, waved his hands in a shooing motion.

"I would like that very much." The woman nodded, her thick pony tail bobbing with the motion. Nodding, Soifon lead her off towards the bar. Soifon flicked her eyes behind her a few times and noticed that the woman's eyes were glued to her rear.

Soifon was wearing cargo pants that were tight around the buttocks and thighs, but loosened around the calves. She was not blessed with a bust like the woman behind her, so she needed to accentuate her best feature.

After a fair bit of muscling through a crowed, the two women made it to the bar. Luckily, there were seats open.

"What would you like?" Soifon asked. The woman though for a moment.

"A Long Island Ice tea!" She answered cheerily. Soifon handed the Bartender the money and he began to mix the drink.

"So, what's your name?" Soifon asked.

"Yoruichi, and yourself?" Yoruichi replied as she took the drink and began to sip in through a straw.

_Holy crap, she so hot and she's flirting with me!_ Yoruichi's mind was nearly panicking. _What do I do? Calm down, Yoruichi, you can flirt. You do it all the time. Just because she a girl doesn't mean anything. Just act natural and confident. I can't let her know that I've never done this before._

"Soifon," Soifon replied with a hint of a smile.

_So far, so good,_ Soifon thought.

"So, what brings you to a place like this?" Soifon asked.

"Same thing that brings you. I'm here for a good time." Yoruichi replied seductively. Soifon chuckled. Kenpachi was not going to believe her.

Yoruichi started to pick up her drink from the counter, but a hand suddenly appeared on top of it. A woman with shaggy black hair in a red tank top suddenly appeared and snatched the drink away and proceeded to drain its contents in a single go.

"That was too much for you and you know it!" Kukaku said angrily after she finished the drink.

"Always looking out for me…You're so sweet!" Yoruichi smiled and hugged Kukaku's stomach from her seat. Ever since Yoruichi came out, she found it endlessly amusing to tease Kukaku. At first, her homophobia was insulting, but now, it was amusing to put her in situations that made her uncomfortable.

Soifon watched the scene before her in quiet disappointment. Was that her girlfriend? It clearly seemed so. Frowning, Soifon started to think of ways out of the now awkward situation when, to her surprise, the other woman left.

"So, are you going to let this poor girl go thirsty, or do you have a one drink policy?" Yoruichi asked. Soifon's eyes widened in surprise.

_Is this girl serious? _Soifon thought. _I just saw her girlfriend and she's still flirting with me? _Soifon though about the situation for a moment, then ordered Yoruichi another drink.

_Single or taken, I don't care. I want a piece of her._ Soifon smiled deviously as Yoruichi sipped her fresh drink.

The two women sat across from each other and talked for a bit, getting to know one another better. Yoruichi found out that Soifon was in the military, a fact that wasn't hard to figure out given what was hanging around her neck, and Soifon found out that Yoruichi was fresh out of college and looking for work.

With the amount of alcohol in her bloodstream multiplied, the fear and intrepidation was slowly melting away from Yoruichi. As their conversation progressed, Yoruichi slowly began to rub one of her legs along the length of Soifon's calf. Soifon didn't react, she simply let Yoruichi continue.

Suddenly, the lighting on the dance floor changed as the DJ started a new song.

"Oh! I love this song!" Yoruichi said enthusiastically as she stood up and grabbed Soifon's hand. "Let's dance!" Yoruichi expected Soifon to balk but, much to her surprise and delight, she didn't.

Soifon wasn't one for dancing. The pass time didn't appeal to her. However, it was part of the human mating ritual, so she mastered to skill just enough to not appear awkward on the dance floor.

Yoruichi dragged Soifon out to a relatively vacant area and turned around to face her. Surprisingly, she didn't seem awkward at all. As the song progressed, Yoruichi inched closer and closer to Soifon until their bodies were touching. Yoruichi's heart jumped Soifon thrust one of her legs forward and between Yoruichi's legs.

The two of them stood in the middle of the dance floor; Yoruichi straddling Soifon's thigh as she grinded up against the other woman. Their faces were inches apart and Soifon had on arm around Yoruichi's waist.

Suddenly, Yoruichi became acutely aware of everything; she could feel Soifon's breath on her face and the bare skin of her arm on her back. She could see the lustful look in Soifon's eyes and in the eyes of the people who were watching them. The whole experience was new and exhilarating to Yoruichi.

The song ended and the two women separated, much to the disappointment of the crowded around them.

"What do you want to do now?" Yoruichi asked Soifon, her heat still beating fast, though it had nothing to do with the dancing. Soifon leaned in close to Yoruichi.

"I day we go find someplace …quiter…talk." Soifon whispered into Yoruichi's ear. Yoruichi shivered.

"Y…yeah. I'd like that." Yoruichi nodded, biting her lip.

* * *

Yoruichi wasn't surprised when she woke up alone the next morning. Disappointed, to be sure, but not surprised. Luckily, she was in her own bed so she could avoid any awkward situations like finding her way home.

The tawny woman sat up and stretched her limbs. Her muscles were deliciously relaxed and she could help but smiling.

_I've missed out on so much._ Yoruichi though. _Now I know what the big deal with sex is!_

Lethargically, Yoruichi bathed and threw on some shorts and a t-shirt and headed to the kitchen. She poured herself a bowl of cereal and began to eat it. She was about half-way finished when the front door opened.

It was Kukaku. One of her eyes was black and she was walking with a noticeable limb and her legs apart, much in the same manner as a cowboy does in a Western Movie.

"Holy hell! What happened to you?" Yoruichi jumped up at the sight of her friend.

"I hooked up with this gigantic motherfucker with spiky hair at the end of the night and went back to his place." Kukaku explained. Yoruichi went to the freezer and removed an ice-pack from the refrigerator. Kukaku took in and stuck it between her thighs.

"This is what you get what you say you like it rough." Yoruichi scolded.

"I do like it rough." Kukaku replied. "He liked it rougher."

"Well, things went much better for me." Yoruichi smiled triumphantly.

"Gross! I don't want to hear it!" Kukaku plugged her ears with her fingers.

"It was amazing!' Yoruichi said dreamily. "She didn't know it was my first time with a girl, but I didn't care. I just wish it wasn't a one night thing…"

* * *

"Your right, I don't believe you." Kenpachi grumbled as Soifon finished her story. Soifon and Kenpachi were currently in the man's apartment. It was surprisingly clean, considering the owner.

"I don't blame you." Soifon replied. "It's a shame that it was only for one night." Kenpachi only grunted. Soifon stood up and headed back to the guest room. She was still in the same clothes as the night before and she wanted to change.

Digging into her pockets, Soifon removed her cell phone, her wallet, some change…and a piece of paper that wasn't there before. Soifon unfolded the note examined it. On it was a phone number and a kiss with the words "call me."

Instinctively, Soifon crumbled it up and started to throw it away. But then she stopped.

_I'm still on leave for a couple of weeks_, Soifon though. _It couldn't hurt. Besides, it would be fun to rub it in Kenpachi's face…_


End file.
